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Dating Sucks, So We’re Making Our Own App Betches

Dating sucks. Our scroll fingers are tired. We’re v much over being assaulted on the daily by d*ck pics. We could write books full of sh*tty pick-up lines. I’ve gone on dates with a guy who claimed to be an art collector (he wasn’t); a very terrible graphic designer (why would you use a cow in a logo?); and a guy who told me on date three that he’d been in prison. Where was that on his profile??? Even if you shell out money on a #legit app, you’re paying for a fancy algorithm that thinks it knows you when, newsflash: it doesn’t. Face it: most of us are destined to sit with our phones and swipe forever.

So we’re making our own f*cking dating app. We’re excited, too. It’s completely different than any other dating app out there, because we’re v smart and understand that going out and meeting people is like, hard, and technology should be here to help us. You’re welcome.

We know you’re literally dying to know more and we can’t reveal much yet because our hair and brains are full of secrets, so enter your email and we’ll send you super fetch updates about when this Betches’ operated dating app is rolling out. Let’s make dating fun again.

Here’s what to do. Click here and enter your email or phone number. When you do, you’ll also be entered to win a super amazing prize a la a 5-day Insta-worthy trip to Melia Punta Cana Beach resort for two with airfare. Sidenote: It’s an all-inclusive adults only oasis, so no screaming 5-year-olds ruining your buzz. It also has four swimming pools, YHI spa, health club, seven bars, and seven restaurants. Praise be.

Even if you don’t get to go to the Dominican Republic (sad), you could be one of ten people to win a $250 Sephora gift card, so you can give yourself beach hair and a fake tan even though you won’t be laying on a beach (not as sad).

Does this all sound super awesome? Do you want to soak up the awesomeness? Grool. Sign up, then bully your friends into signing up, too, since that’ll give you an extra entry into the contest.

Images: Shutterstock

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=44793

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation Recap: Do You Have No Bra On? Betches

We left off last week (two weeks ago?) of the neverending season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation with Vin and Ang having horrible sexual tension that annoys everyone around them and Ronnie in a hot tub with yet another trashy girl.

Mike: Ronnie’s doing the same thing he got run over for.

The gang stops spying and goes to sleep as Trashy Barbie and Ronnie retire to his ~*bedroom*~. Except they all share bedrooms soo? Maybe he’s in the smush room.

Ronnie *in shower to himself*: There goes my life. Nothing good can come from this.
Ron: 

The girl is already in his bed. Despite all the MTV promos for this, Ronnie does not join her and instead goes to drink alone outside and text Jen. Trashy Barbie gets in bed with Ang so I guess she gave up. Ang is like, “did he try to hook up with you?” And TB acts totally shocked, like “OMG, NO, he has a girlfriend!” Um. You literally got in his bed. It’s safe to say that is the implication.

Ronnie goes to talk to TB and Ang and looks like absolute sh*t. He didn’t sleep at all because he spent the whole night fighting with Jen. Which is how I assume he spends every night anyway, this is not news. Then he goes, “Apparently, I’m single.”

Oooooh, you know he now has major regrets that he didn’t smush TB. Like is that why he’s in there? He’s trying to recruit her back into his bed? The moment’s passed, Ron.

Ron: Jen is just disrespectful, telling me she can’t wait to find a guy to raise my child the way I can’t.

Angelina acts v shocked but I swear we’ve heard this from Ron like 200 times. Like, yes, dude, she hates you. Ron continues to list more abuse Jen’s spewed at him, and again, all stuff she’s said before. TB leaves and Ronnie begins taking relationship advice from Angelina. It’s the blind leading the blind over here. Ron tells her that’s leaving Jen, which we’ve heard at least 11 times this season. And last season. MTV v compassionately plays a montage of Jen treating Ron like sh*t spliced with footage of Ron with his daughter. V sensitive.

Ang tells Mike and Pauly that Jen was sending Ron screenshots of Sammi Sweetheart with her new bf. This is material for the Petty Olympics. Ang also explains how *this time* Ron is leaving Jen.

Mike & Pauly:

Mike: One minute Ron’s single, then he’s taken. One minute he’s IFF, I’m F*cked Foundation, and then the next he’s on a Ron-page.
Pauly: Tomorrow he’s gonna be like ‘I love her’. The weather today is cloudy with 100% chance of Ronnie’s tears.

Ronnie’s entire personality is now cheating and crying. Meanwhile, Snooki and Mike are arguing about pork roll vs. Taylor ham (???). I’m from California, I have no idea wtf you morons are talking about. Also, I like that the levels of drama this episode are abuse, cheating, and child custody on one side, and over on the other side, we have Hamgate.

Mike: It’s like the status of Ronnie’s relationship. Unsolved.

Vinny is over the roommates’ drama and misses Deena. Snooki decides to kidnap her. TBH, she did nothing but fall down and cry last season, I really didn’t even notice she was gone. Vinny wants to use a trash bag to attack her, Jenni doesn’t want them to assault a pregnant woman. Hard to say who will win.

Vin: These are obviously Angelina’s trash bags because she has an endless supply of them.

Vinny is still bringing up Angelina. Let it go, dude. They decide to put dirty pantyhose over their heads, which is disgusting. The boys write some kind of ransom note. They want millions of dollars and Mike wants deli meat, I guess in exchange for Deena’s safe return? I hope if one of my loved ones ever gets kidnapped, it’s by The Situation. Mike puts together a meat and cheese tray, complete with bread and Cool Ranch Doritos.

Now they all have stupid kidnapper nicknames. Vinny is The Keto Kidnapper, Snooki is The Meatball (which is just her regular nickname, so no one exerted themselves on that one), Mike is The Baguette-Mans (unclear), Ang is Dirty Little Hamster (fitting, as she talks about her swamp ass while this is happening), Jenni is The Boobie-Trapper (Jenni now dresses like a grandma librarian, does she even have breasts anymore?), and Pauly is The Guido Ninja (and he proceeds to kick over a planter, spilling dirt all over the white rug).  I guess Ronnie is excluded.

The Boobie-Trapper: Anyone have eyes on Ron?
The Guido Ninja: He’s crying.

Then we see Ron sobbing in bed with the title: Special Appearance by: Single Ronnie.

Me to MTV: 

Mike: Should we bring Ronnie?
Everyone: No, he’ll ruin it.

They pull up to Deena’s house. Mike opens his Doritos.

Jenni: Leave the salami plate at the front door, ring the doorbell, then have everyone jump the fence at the back and go through the sliding glass door.

Mike steals bits of salami while they try to set the plate down. Ang rings the doorbell. The guidos go through the back door—seriously, why is it just left unlocked? It’s like you guys don’t even listen to Not Another True Crime Podcast. Deena is just sitting on her couch as everyone bursts in. She doesn’t look at all surprised, but to be fair, there was a cameraman sitting with her in the living room to film this happening, so maybe that tipped her off.

Mike is carrying a baguette as a weapon. But like. What’s happening to the meat plate? They bribe Deena to come to the house by giving her the smush room as her own room.

Deena: Did anyone have sex in my bed?
Vin: Well Ronnie almost did, so no.

Then they fill in Deena on the latest Ron scandal. Deena has doubts as to whether she can handle all this BS sober. Same. Vinny comments that Deena and Mike now have the same stomach which is FAT-SHAMING, and is not okay, it’s 2018. They arrive at the house and Deena is like “wow, it’s so nice.” But then she walks inside. The dirt is still all over the white rug.

Deena: It kind of smells garbage-y in here.

Just as I always imagined it did. Deena goes to say hi to Ron who is still crying in his bed. He doesn’t even acknowledge her.

Ron: 

They decide to go to a nice Italian restaurant to celebrate Deena’s return. Ron refuses to go so he can feel sorry for himself. The girls are getting ready and complaining about men, and Jenni announces she’s “going lesbian” (not how that works, again, it’s 2018). OMG, are they finally going to acknowledge Jenni’s divorce, or the fact that she literally has not mentioned Roger at all this whole time? I don’t even think she did last season. Angelina then tells them that her psychic grandmother said she saw Jenni and Roger headed for a divorce. Jenni’s like, “yeah well, I always talk about it.”

I guess just not on camera? Jenni then is like, “haha, I always say that, welcome to marriage.” She has a point, since 50% of marriages go that way, but it seems like she’s trying to play it off like it’s not serious. Which we know that it is. Angelina then claims she is also psychic. K.

Meanwhile, Vinny is ironing his shirt on his bed with a baby iron while Pauly throws his toenail clippings on the shirt. It’s all gross and I have no interest in it. They all go to dinner and Ronnie has not moved. The dinner consists of them complaining about Ron. Next we have to cover Angelina and Vinny’s awkward relationship and then Mike’s eating, since these are the only things going on this season.

Vinny: Oh I’m glad Ron isn’t here because I have this extra chair as a barricade from Angelina.

Right on cue.

Angelina: Hi Vinny.
Ang’s actual face rn: 

Vinny ignores her. Angelina wants to know why Vinny won’t talk to her.

Pauly (to Ang): You should make out with him. Did you get your teeth done? Do you have no bra on?
Pauly: I’m giving Vin a hall pass to sleep with Angelina as long as he washes 100 times with hand sanitizer down there.
Angelina: Well if you want to touch [my breasts], you can, they’re brand-spanking-new. Chris hasn’t even touched them.

Now Vinny is intrigued.

Snooki: WHAT? Chris hasn’t touched your boobs yet? Jionni [bleep]ed mine like a little baby.

F*cking ew. Things I don’t need to hear about. She’s apparently had the new boobs for months. Pauly is v upset by this news. Angelina then tells a way too graphic tale about how the sex with Chris was only good when they first hooked up, and since then, they barely have sex and it’s usually her doing all the work and he has no interest in it. Everyone suggests up Vin for a “good pounding”.

On the cab home, Ang is like, “I’m so honored The King noticed my breasts”, and everyone is like, WTF, The King, Pauly?

Ang: The King of Guidos has noticed my breasteses.
Jenni: The King of your life is your man.
Ang: He’s like The King of the Garbagemen.
The girls: 

Jenni: Angelina should just move on to her fourth engagement because this one is not going to work out.

Dirty Hamster Angelina has been engaged three times and I can’t get a text back, k cool, whatever.

Ang then goes on about how Pauly told her she has nice breasts, and the girls are like um, no, you sad, delusional handwritten book, he said, “Are you wearing a bra?” It’s v scary to see women rewrite history when it’s on film.

In the guys car, the gossip continues.

Vin: Tator Tot just posted something.

Tator Tot is Jen’s Instagram. Sidenote: Why are they allowed to have technology??? They should be stuck together with no one else and no activities like the good old days.

Vin: It says: A man that wants what’s best for you is best for you.

IDK, Jen, at this point I think he just wants to not be run over by cars. They get home and the girls are complaining about how badly they want to go to bed. Like, you guys just went to dinner. You are too old for this show. Then they discover that Ronnie is still in bed and hacking up a lung. As if he couldn’t repulse me more. They go into his room and tell him they brought him food. Ron blows them off.

However, the next day, the guys actually get him out of the house for a haircut. Vin says bye to Angelina, foreshadowing their impending affair. Vin is getting ready to have a tantrum about his hair, as per usual. Mike requests a nose hair waxing, which they just do in front of everyone. Like they literally stick hot wax on a stick, shove it up there, and pull. Ew. Ronnie, in typical breakup fashion, is relying on this haircut to fix his life.

Pauly: He cut all his problems away.
Ron: I need a haircut every day.

I really can’t wait until next week when Ronnie and Jen get back together!

Images: Giphy (7)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=43012

Mercury Is Back On Its BS: Weekend Horoscopes For November 16-18 Betches

The good news is that this is the last time Mercury will retrograde this year. The bad news is that this could really mess up your Thanksgiving travel plans. It’s too early to know if you’ll miss your flight, making you late to your awkwardly early dinner with people you’re forced to make small talk with once a year. But we do know that this weekend, you can expect more SNAFUs when it comes to travel, communication, and technology. So when you aren’t getting your regular number of matches on Hinge this week, let’s just blame Mercury. Here are your weekend horoscopes for November 16-18:

Aries

Venus has concluded her retrograde just in time for Mercury to enter his. Like, literally, WTF? At least they’re not happening at the same time. Venus in retrograde threw a wrench into your love and personal life. This weekend, your goal should be to make amends with anyone close to you that you’re on the outs with. Seriously. You’ll need all the friends, favors, and allies you can get as Mercury retrograde ramps up.

Taurus

As Mercury starts spinning backward this weekend, you can find yourself in a tailspin too. Mercury is a planet of communication, so you’ll probably see more pictures of your ex and his new girlfriend throughout your feed. It’s best for your mental health if you unlike, unfollow, or just totally block that sh*t. If you want to be the bigger person who is above the petty unfollow, use the mute feature on Instagram. Cause seriously, what else was it made for?

Gemini

Here’s the deal, Venus retrograde made your love life kind of awkward. It’s time to refocus on the romance, even if that’s just about getting down with yourself. You’ll have less mental blocks, so you can relax and just enjoy. Bow Chicka Wah Wah. Anyway, this weekend, if you’re in a relationship, plan a date for you and your significant other. Pour some wine, put on your sexiest playlist, and start connecting again. Mercury retrograde is going to hit you hard soon enough, so you might as well go into it with a bang. Pun intended.

Cancer

Mercury enters retrograde in Sagittarius and stays there until December 6. This is not what you want to hear around the holidays, but the best way to survive this retrograde is to maintain healthy routines. Sure, you can eat whatever the f*ck you want on Thanksgiving, but it’s best you get back on your gym and healthy eating grind ASAP. Staying healthy and on track will hopefully stave off the possibility that you’ll get a cold or the flu, which will really knock you on your ass this time around.

Leo

Okay, so we know Mercury in retrograde will have an effect on your travel plans, communication, and technology—hello dropping your phone in the bathtub! But unfortunately, this time it will also put a backspin in your fifth house of drama, image, and romance. Let’s just say, it’s about to go down in your Instagram comments or Twitter replies. You might as well start thinking of some fire clapbacks now, because you can count on some B.S. happening between now and December 6.

Virgo

Even though Mercury is entering its retrograde, it’s fine to splurge on yourself a little bit this weekend. Venus just finished its retrograde, making relationships and friendships difficult. You deserve to reward yourself with a little purchase, spa treatment, or something else up that alley. That is unless you are going to make yourself feel guilty AF for spending the money on yourself when you should be saving for holiday presents or some sh*t. IDK, just do what feels right, especially if that’s purchasing something cashmere and unnecessary.

Libra

As a sensitive sign, Venus retrograde had a strong effect on your self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth. Basically, if anyone said anything to you, it probably made you feel bad about yourself. Now that things are clearing up, it’s time to be a little bit kinder to yourself so you can get back on track. Also, your co-workers won’t have to live in fear that sending you an email asking you to make edits to a project will make you spiral into a fit of tears. Yikes. Everyone can rest a little more easily around you this weekend since your feelings won’t get so bruised.

Scorpio

Your love life has basically been on hold since Venus was in retrograde. So for, like, ever. Now that it’s back in a normal rotation, you can start thinking about picking things back up. Whether you’re firing up a dating app, texting your back-burner bro, or just wearing less and goin’ out more, take things slow. Slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’re looking for someone who will last until the end of cuffing season and then some.

Sagittarius

Woah, betch. With Mercury in retrograde this time around, it’s a requirement that you stay on your best behavior. Even the whitest of lies could come back to haunt your ass. It’s probably good if you just avoid anyone or anything you would have to lie to or about. I mean, that’s probably going to be hard since you’re already coming up with a lie to tell your aunt at Thanksgiving about what you’re doing with your life.

Capricorn

Resolve to be clear with your communication from now until Mercury is out of retrograde on December 6. This means that even though it’s tempting to beat around the bush and be coy with your texting convos, just say no. There’s too much room for miscommunication right now. Next thing you know, your bestie won’t be talking to you because she thinks you called her fat, your crush thinks you’ve moved on, and your mom is writing you out of the will. Maybe just avoid texting as much as possible. Yes, you might have to pick up the phone and talk this weekend. EW.

A

Aquarius

You’ve been doing some soul-searching when it comes to your major goals in life. Venus retrograde probably had a hand in that. Now that Venus has straightened her sh*t out, you can refocus on what you want to accomplish during the next year. Don’t let the fact that Mercury is in retrograde freak you out. You don’t need to—and probably shouldn’t—act on anything you come up with over the weekend. Just think about it a little, preferably between drinks.

Pisces

Great news for you when it comes to networking this weekend! If you get a chance to rub shoulders with people who actually matter, you’ll be blessed with decent communication skills and salesmanship abilities thanks to the fact that Venus is out of retrograde. Make your intentions clear, though. Mercury retrograde starting this weekend and continuing until December 6 could have others misinterpreting what you want. Handshakes instead of hugs should set the record straight in a deal-making environment. Or so you hope, right?

Images: Joshua Rawson-Harris/Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=41969

Living Coral, Pantone’s Color Of The Year, Is Ridiculous Betches

So, if you haven’t already heard, Pantone’s Color of the Year for 2019 is Living Coral. Not even lively or like, cheerful. Just Living. Coral. Like, living as in the Coral Reef? I don’t understand. Is Pantone trying to effect climate change by getting people to buy coral and then guilt them into thinking about coral in its natural state? And, more importantly, how does “Living Coral” differ from the same regular-ass coral we’ve been seeing on every bridesmaid dress and manicure since 2013? Pantone describes this particular shade of coral as, “an animating and life-affirming coral hue with a golden undertone that energizes and enlivens with a softer edge,” and it’s like, okay, you are ascribing WAY too much humanity to an inanimate concept. As an English major, I can respect the personification, in the sense that I can respect this is way too extra of a way to describe a SHADE OF ORANGE. Like, I’m imagining fashion influencers examining a skirt and being like, “yes, it’s coral, but is it really a life-affirming coral? Is the undertone energizing me rn?? I’m just not sure.”

Part of the company’s explanation says, “In reaction to the onslaught of digital technology and social media increasingly embedding into daily life, we are seeking authentic and immersive experiences that enable connection and intimacy. Sociable and spirited, the engaging nature of PANTONE 16-1546 Living Coral welcomes and encourages lighthearted activity.” And to that I say:

Ohh, I’ve got it. “Living Coral” is a strain of weed, and the good folks over at Pantone were smoking a lot of it before making this announcement.

It wasn’t until last year that I had even heard of this “Color of the Year” thing, and apparently, this has been around since 2000. Does anyone here actually give a rat’s ass about Pantone’s color of the year? For those of you who don’t know WTF I’m referring to, Pantone is a printing company that is known for their color matching system. This system essentially produces thousands of “special” colors that go beyond the four basic colors your home printer has. For the past 18 years, the Pantone Color Institute, a “secret” meeting of representatives from “different color standards groups” in a European capital, have chosen a “Color of the Year”. Yes, this is just as ridiculous as it sounds, and I genuinely wish my biggest stress revolved around picking the right shade of teal somewhere in Paris.

Since then, we have been blessed with 19 different Colors of the Year that serve as great (and easy) marketing for dozens of beauty, home decor, floral, and fashion companies. Personally, the whole concept sounds a little bit dramatic after noticing that THEY ALL LOOK THE F*CKING SAME. I’m legit baffled. Here I am, trying to give a flying f*ck about Ultra Violet or Living Coral, and little did I know, they’re basically different shades of the same washed-up color. Betrayed, yet again.

Look at this nonsense. There have been six shades of blue, four shades of some orangey-red with two of them literally looking the same (@Tigerlily and @Tangerine Tango), five shades of purple, and two shades of green. Out of all this bullsh*t, poor yellow has been chosen once and that was TEN YEARS AGO. IDK guys, I just feel like this stuff is a load of ridiculousness. What’s the point of having a different Color of the Year when they all basically look the same??? And I’ve got to ask, what’s the process behind this? Because I’m imagining a bunch of old guys in a room spinning a wheel of adjectives and then a second color wheel that only consists of orange, green, and blue.

So don’t go throwing out all the coral clothes you’ve had in your closet for years, and while you’re at it, hang on to all your millennial pink stuff too—who knows, at this rate, it might be Pantone’s Color of the Year in 2021.

Photo: Tamara Bellis / Unsplash; Giphy (2); Wikipedia

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=43952

13 Badass Astronaut & Cosmonaut Stories Everyone Should Hear

Space: it’s the final frontier AND somehow the least popular frontier. A couple decades of successful shuttle launches passed unnoticed. A slew of orbital science experiments didn’t excite anybody. Even the Space Race wasn’t the nation-gripping drama we decided it was retroactively. Why isn’t space travel capturing more imaginations? Why aren’t people more stoked about it? And would it help if we did a rad podcast episode about the most kickass exploits in all of space history?

On this week’s episode of The Cracked Podcast, Alex Schmidt is joined by ‘American Dad’ writer, Cracked legend, and prince of all our hearts Soren Bowie for a celebration of outer space heroics. They’ll dig into the death-defying (and sometimes, death-receiving) bravery that’s driven decades of space exploration, even though only a few of those bold explorers became famous in the aftermath. Plus, enjoy a special bonus story of how the very best of us went out into the universe in the form of a space probe.

Footnotes:

American Dad on TBS

Why 2013 Gave Us Reason to Care About Space Again (Cracked)

Dispatches From Goddamn Space (Cracked Video)

Kennedy, Before Choosing the Moon: ‘I’m Not That Interested in Space’ (The Atlantic)

Pence vows America will return to the moon. The history of such promises suggests otherwise. (The Washington Post)

5 Astronauts More Badass Than Any Action Movie Hero (Cracked)

5 Famous Space Missions That Almost Ended In Disaster (Cracked)

Meet the real ironman of spaceflight: Valery Polyakov (Ars Technica)

March 22, 1995: Longest Human Space Adventure Ends (Wired)

Farewell Neil Armstrong, the Ultimate Test Pilot (Wired)

5 Soviet Space Programs That Prove Russia Was Insane (Cracked)

5 Groundbreaking Firsts That Your History Books Lied About (Cracked)

The First Woman in Space: Valentina Tereshkova (Mental Floss)

STS-49 Mission Page (NASA)

TP-82 Cosmonaut survival pistol (Wikipedia)

Boldly, Where No Dog Had Gone Before (The New York Times) — piece about the Museum Of Jurassic Technology’s tribute to Soviet space dogs

Special announcement: see the first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR this spring! Get your tickets now for: Thursday April 11th — Lincoln Hall, Chicago IL and Friday April 12th — Amsterdam Bar and Hall, St. Paul MN.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/podcast/13-badass-astronaut-cosmonaut-stories-everyone-should-hear

Should You Splurge Or Save? Your Black Friday 2018 Horoscopes Betches

To splurge, or to save? That is the question. Although, at this point, your safest bet is to grab, swipe, and GTFO. In fact, if I were you, I would avoid the mall at all costs—for so many reasons, one of them being the full moon. Yep, and that’s not even the worst part. Despite the utter madness of all things Black Friday, the full moon in Gemini is hands down everything we don’t need, especially on one of the busiest days of the year. There’s more. Mercury is hella retrograde, and the messenger planet rules Gemini, and all things related to technology, and commerce. Black Friday gone wrong? TBH, I don’t know what’s worse. People going batsh*t bonkers all the mall, or everything glitching and crashing. OK, Black Friday is cancelled. OK, maybe not, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Nevertheless, these are your Black Friday 2018 horoscopes.

Aries

I highly suggest you take your Black Friday lust out on your laptop. Besides, your Thanksgiving food coma will be in full effect, and there’s no better feeling than shopping in pajamas. Chill out, Aries. I know you secretly get off on running missions, but make sure you tread lightly. On another note, the full moon will light up your sh*t-talking third house, and well, gossiping is inevitable. Careful you don’t pull a Gretchen Weiners.

Taurus

Settle down, betch. I would seriously stop binge-watching Pretty Woman if I were you. The reality is, swiping your credit card with reckless abandon isn’t going to get you that commission, sweetheart. In fact, with the full moon lighting up your money-hungry second house, you might have a few things to sort out with your bills bills bills. In other words, no blackouts on Black Friday, Taurus. Lord knows you don’t need another pair of shoes.

Gemini

OK, I’m not even trying to be a negative Nancy here, but your ruling planet is hella retrograde, and it just so happens to rule all things related to technology, and commerce. There’s also a full moon in your sign. Need I say more? Vaya con dios, Betch. Black Friday will be action-packed, and just so you know, those are Mercury-infested waters. Also, don’t even think about texting your sugar daddy. You might text someone else unintentionally.

Cancer

I know you’re desperately seeking some closure, but strolling through the mall with a cell phone up to your ear will never be worth it. In fact, why don’t you go ahead and finish your never-ending pow-wow in the car, and call it a day? Save yourself from the full moon mall madness, Cancer. You need a long nap.

Leo

You’re the only person who has the patience to get a group of girls together, let alone buy matching T-shirts for the Black Friday adventure gone wrong. What part of “Mercury is retrograde and there’s a full moon” do you not get? Interestingly enough, the full moon lights up your schmoozing zone, which could spark some useless drama amongst you and your pink ladies… I mean girls. Stop torturing yourself, Leo.

Virgo

Overtime on Black Friday? You would, Virgo. Although, I’m not going to lie, I respect your hustle. In fact, I doubt I’m the only one, considering the full moon will illuminate your tenth house of boss betch, and all eyes will be on you. Take it easy though, your ruling is at it again, and you know about the Mercury retrograde diaries first hand. Don’t stress the little things.

Libra

Hate to break it to you, but tailgating outside of Target will never be a Black Friday to remember. On the contrary—you will never be the same. Although, you seem pretty set on your ways this year, and with that full moon lighting up your spontaneous ninth house of popping squats and campfire stories, looks like you’ll be making it an adventure.

Scorpio

Focus on your Christmas shopping, Scorpio. Don’t be a selfish betch. Although, who am I kidding? You almost won stingiest of the zodiac, but Taurus beat you to it. However, you might wanna speak your truth, considering you’re in need of some much-needed validation. In other words, stop avoiding that toxic person’s phone call.

Sagittarius

It’s your birthday season, betch. Do yourself a favor, and tell your loved ones to save themselves the trouble of buying you a gift, and hook it up with some extra cash. Aren’t you saving up for a summer in Bali? Also, from the looks of it, you won’t be going solo. You can thank almighty Jupiter for these lucky stars.

Capricorn

You and Virgo should seriously get together and go bowling. How in the world do you make these tedious missions look so effortless? Granted, I know your to-do list is larger than life, but make sure you splurge on yourself at least once this year. For the love of the cosmos, please don’t make Black Friday a job, too.

Aquarius

You’re in the best mood these days, and TBH it scares the hell out of me. Why? Well, you are one detached betch. In fact, the full moon lights up your fifth house of romance, creativity, and all things center-of-attention. In other words, not sure you’ll be making it to Black Friday, unless you’re in the mood to do the “shop of shame.”

Pisces

Black Friday who? Your post-Thanksgiving food coma is looking rough, and well, there’s always Cyber Monday. Make sure you stay hydrated, too. The turkey stuffing isn’t going to soak up your drunken stupor. Better luck next time.

Images: Annie Spratt / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Editor’s Picks

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=42369

A Lena Dunham Show About Anna Delvey Is Happening Betches

This week, The Cut published a profile on Lena Dunham. The piece is being hailed as a refreshing look at female pain, and an illuminating profile on someone from whom we all assumed we’d heard more than enough. While the piece was indeed less insufferable than I feared it would be, one piece of information included was enough to ruin my day. Lena Dunham has a deal with HBO to create a series on fake German heiress (and real Russian scammer) Anna Delvey. You may have missed that tidbit in the extremely long profile, but yes, a Lena Dunham show about Anna Delvey is supposedly in the works.

In case you don’t remember Delvey’s story, here’s a quick refresher. Delvey broke into the NYC socialite scene after a Parisian fashion internship. With vague claims about wire transfers and generational wealth, she scammed her way into almost $300,000 in unpaid bills for her luxurious lifestyle. She even made up a fake financial adviser, whom she then killed off when people grew suspicious. Last we heard from her, she was somehow Instagramming from Riker’s Island. In other words, a baller through and through.

Me to Anna Delvey:

Lena Dunham, last we heard from her, was making a show called Camping, of which no one I know has been able to stomach more than one episode. And yes, we all watched all of Girls, but very few of us felt ultimately good about it. As far as careers go, Lena Dunham’s has aged about as well as the box of Chinese takeout I ordered on Saturday night that’s still sitting in my fridge. Seeing as Anna Delvey’s story of scamming has been a bright spot of joy in an otherwise bleak news cycle, I’m not thrilled about the prospects of a Lena Dunham show about Anna Delvey. Like, ruin Williamsburg all you want, but when you come for my scammers? That’s where I draw the line.

The good news is that Lena isn’t the only person who’s been given the opportunity to translate Delvey’s scamming stories to the screen—we’ve known for a while now that Shonda Rhimes was also tapped to create a series for Netflix about her. Now, when I heard Shonda Rhimes was making her own Delvey show, I was thrilled. Rhimes’ handle on sexy, fast-paced drama is exactly what Delvey’s story needs. We need secret love affairs, high-fashion montages, and constant overlapping power plays. What we do not need is mournful shots of Delvey on the toilet while a Belle & Sebastian song plays.

The silver lining here? Whatever it looks like, the Lena Dunham show about Anna Delvey can’t possibly be as bad and/or offensive as her adaptation of a Syrian refugee’s story will be. Cheers to that.

If you love scams, cults, conspiracies, and true crime, listen to Not Another True Crime Podcast! New episodes out now.

Images: Getty Images; Giphy (1)

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How Mercury Retrograde Will Affect Every Zodiac Sign Betches

On November 16th, Mercury the messenger, the gossip-loving and cosmic trickster planet, began its backwards journey through spontaneous Sagittarius. TBH, Mercury in Sagittarius is almost too optimistic, let alone when in retrograde. For instance, Mercury retrograde in Sagittarius arrived just in time for the holidays, and well, if you weren’t scrambling for last-minute Thanksgiving details, bickering with your relatives, or running into Black Friday drama in the customer service line at the mall, then I guess you could say you survived the first half of this rowdy retrograde cycle. But don’t get too excited, betch. Mercury will be in retrograde through December 6th, and if you thought its moonwalk through Sagittarius was rough, just wait until it slides back into Scorpio’s vengeful waters. This transition isn’t going to be a smooth one. Remember, Sagittarius has no filter, as opposed to Scorpio, who is secretive, not to mention borderline paranoid. Meaning, if you’re not selective with your words, schedule, and general exchanges, you could come face-to-face with Mercury in Scorpio’s wrath. Remember the movie Bring It On? Well, Mercury retrograde enters Scorpio on Dec 1, and “whoever drops the spirit stick goes to Hades.” Capeesh? Nevertheless, these are your Mercury retrograde horoscopes.

Aries

Planning to get away for the holidays, Aries darling? Whatever you do, make sure you double and triple check your travel itinerary, as mischievous Mercury may or may not delay the process. TBH, this all depends on your impulsive decision-making and chronic ADHD. I know you’re totally stoked for the festivities this year, but you can’t rush through the planning process. Patience is a virtue, betch. In fact, you’ll want to pay close attention to the details, as Mercury retrograde in Scorpio might teach you a thing or two about your current relationships, or perhaps “friend with benefits.” Are you communicating in order to get what you deserve? Or are you letting your pride speak for itself?

Taurus

Jealous much? Mercury is traveling backwards through Sagittarius and your shady eighth house of taxes, intimate unions, and of course, sexy time. Not sure if you’ve been keeping tabs on your ex, but do yourself a favor, and leave the past in the past, betch. In fact, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re in desperate need of some alone time, Taurus dear. Perhaps a spa day? Besides, once Mercury slides back into Scorpio and your seventh house of partnerships, you’ll have a few talking points to discuss with your boo thang, or your sh*t-talking coworker. In other words, stop being so stubborn, and say what’s on your mind. You’ll thank me later.

Gemini

Let me guess. Your ruling planet isn’t the only one that’s retrograde these days, huh? Hang in there, Gemini. The cosmic chaos will be over soon enough, I promise you. Although, in the meantime, I highly suggest you take a closer look at your emails, text messages, and missed call list. How are you communicating, and with who? In fact, you might wanna ask your SO the same question. Is something not adding up? Mercury retrograde in Sagittarius will shake up your seventh house of relationships through December 1st, until it slides back into smoldering Scorpio, and your practical sixth house of health, routine, and all things OCD. Don’t overthink it. Call up your girls, and head to pilates for some much-needed de-stressing.

Cancer

Take it easy, betch. You’re biting off way more than you can chew, and trust me, you’re going to regret it later. As of right now, Mercury is doing the moonwalk through your tedious AF sixth house of OCD, health, and day-to-day routine. Although, fact is, you’re way too emotional to handle all the details coming your way, Cancer. Your ever-changing moods may or may not get the best of you, so quit while you’re ahead. On another note, the messenger planet slides into Scorpio, and your fifth house of romance and creative expression on December 1st. Is there a new muse on the horizon? You might not be in the mood to create—but not for long, as Mercury will finally station direct on December 6th.

Leo

He loves you, he loves you not. Who are you kidding? You already know what time it is, but with Mercury retrograde shaking up your fifth house of romance and creative expression, you could be second-guessing yourself, and that’s not really your style. On another note, however, be extra careful with your sexy selfie archive, not to mention that toxic side fling. Exes could suddenly turn up, and who knows, you might finally get some closure. Mercury retrograde will slide into Scorpio, and your domestic fourth house on December 1st. Think about it this way: will your family members approve of your new SO?

Virgo

What do you want me to tell you? Your ruling planet is retrograde, not to mention doing the moonwalk through your domestic fourth house of home and soul foundation. Who are you, and what have you done with Virgo’s soul? I’m obviously kidding. However, you can’t always pull out the “Ms. Fix It” card, especially when your crazy relatives are in town. Granted, ’tis the season, blah blah blah, but I think this retro cycle will teach you a thing or two about setting boundaries. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Libra

Think before you speak, betch. The messenger planet is cruising through your gossip-loving third house of communication, and well, you may or may not come face-to-face with a few mishaps on the social media front, as well as in your inner circle. In other words, stop scrolling through your ex’s feed, because you’re bound to double tap something and hate yourself for it later. Besides, it’s like the saying goes, “what Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally.” Meaning, don’t go around sharing your two cents, especially if you’re not going to back it up later. Mercury retro enters Scorpio on December 1st, and sh*t will be lit.

Scorpio

Are you Christmas shopping, or are you just plain splurging? Mercury retrograde is shaking up your second house of shmoney, and it looks like you’re making one too many purchases, don’t you think? Take it easy on the Fashion Nova wishlist. You and I both know you’re not about to wear that on New Year’s Eve, anyway. P.S. The messenger planet slides back into your sign on December 1st, and well, if I were you, I would start channeling your RBF as of now. Not going to lie, there’s some obnoxious drama you might need to attend to. Remember who you are, betch.

Sagittarius

You and your Mercury retro verbiage need to get it together, betch. WTF is all the fuss about? Seriously, stop airing out your dirty laundry, because it’s about to come back to you full force. The reality is, your messaging is literally over the top these days, so take a deep breath before you start sh*t. On another note, Mercury retro will slide back into Scorpio, and your hazy 12th house on December 1st, so you might want to stop getting wasted every night, so you can actually remember your dreams for once. P.S. Everyone at work knows about your celebratory flask.

Capricorn

Winter is coming. Whoever said Scorpio was the most vengeful betch clearly hasn’t met a Capricorn. Although, with Mercury doing the moonwalk through your shady 12th house of closure, you might want to consider forgiving your nemesis, for the love of god. In fact, don’t consider it. Just move the f*ck on already. What’s the point in holding onto a grudge that’s literally almost a decade old? You know what your problem is? You’re emotional AF these days, and honestly, that only means progress. My advice to you? Start channeling your inner Elsa ice queen, and let it go.

Aquarius

D-R-A-M-A. Mercury is moving backwards through your schmoozing 11th house of friends, groups, and tribe, and well, as much as you love starting sh*t, let alone pushing people’s buttons, something tells me you’re not feeling it this time around. Also, don’t forget to back up your freaky selfies and work files. This area of your chart rules technology, and Mercury retro is bound to f*ck things up. Btw, the messenger planet slides back into Scorpio and your 10th house of fame on December 1st, meaning you might get a random calendar invite from your supervisor. Stay focused, betch.

Pisces

Stop flirting with the boss! Your promotion is on the way already, however, it’s up to you to go out there and fight for it. Mercury is hella retrograde in your 10th house of CEO dreams, and you and I both know, you’ve got a lot to say. Luckily for you, Mars is traveling through your sign until the end of the year, so at least you’ve got a little more oomph on your side. Long story short, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and go get the money. Mars isn’t going to put up with your self-sabotage this time, anyway. Vaya con dios, betch.

Images: Giphy (7)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=42469

13 Chemical Reactions That Look Like Witchcraft

Cracked pays people to make smart memes. Visit the Photoplasty and Pictofacts Workshop to get in on it.

You might think of chemistry as mind-numbingly boring. Well hang onto your hat – we’re about to show you how boring it isn’t. These reactions are nothing short of spectacular to look at, and on top of that they won’t burn nasty holes in your stuff, stink up your room, or leave a gigantic mess you have to clean up.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-1056-13-chemical-reactions-that-look-like-witchcraft

Things We Worry About, And The Insane Ways They’ve Changed

Cracked pays people to make smart memes. Visit the Photoplasty and Pictofacts Workshop to get in on it.

It seems like everyone’s worried, right now. It’s not that we haven’t been worrying all our lives – that’s human nature. What has changed is the things we currently need to worry about. We’ve changed. Our lives have changed. The world has changed.

We asked our readers to show us side-by-side comparisons of the things they used to worry about, vs. the things they worry about now. The winner is below, but first, the runners-up:

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_2507_things-we-worry-about-insane-ways-theyve-changed/