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Former BuzzFeed Employee Spilled The Tea On Getting Fired

In case your creative writing major friends haven’t been talking about it nonstop, a lot of sh*t has been going down in the online publishing world. On Friday, January 25, BuzzFeed laid off “seven members of the national desk, the six-person national security team and the two journalists covering health. All but two members of the entertainment team were laid off and all but one on the L.B.G.T. desk. There were no cuts to the technology, politics or investigations teams,” according to the New York Times.

One legendary ex-BuzzFeed employee, Jason Sweeten, wreaked havoc on his previous employer in a way we all wish we shadily could. Earlier this morning (at 10:36am to be exactly), Sweeten took to his previous company’s website to troll the viral media company the best way he knew how: a quiz. Sweeten’s goal was to help current BuzzFeed employees determine whether or not they actually still have a job. After 5 1/2 years of employment, Sweeten understands the nuances of working at BuzzFeed and provided a great guide for his confused, sad, and angry ex-coworkers.

As of June 2018, Sweeten  “was Creative, Creative Manager, and Senior Creative Lead, Quizzes at BuzzFeed from 2013 to 2018. During his tenure, Jason wrote countless sponsored posts, including one of their first viral, branded quizzes. He also spent several years managing teams of creatives, eventually overseeing branded quizzes and helping launch BuzzFeed’s mini-quiz ad product,” according to his personal website. Anyone working in media or having any sort of job ever, can relate to what sparked this sweet, sweet viral quiz.

But how did he get something like this ON BuzzFeed’s website? Their contributing platform allows for people to post content directly without going through any on the editorial team. So will this quiz still be live after the higher ups catch wind? It doesn’t matter because we’ve screenshotted the entire thing dissected for your enjoyment.

Is it worse to have worked there for longer or less time? Either way it really sucks.

Confused? Overwhelmed? Scattered? Welcome to working in media.

LOL.

She probably got fired.

Talk about boosting company morale.

We vote for option D.

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=47125

Wellness Valentine’s Day Gifts Your Boyfriend Will Love

Valentine’s Day will be here before we know it, which means it’s time to start brainstorming what you can give your boyfriend to let him know how much you love him! (Because gifts are what truly matter, amirite?) Whether you have $30 or $1,000 to spend, there are unique gifts out there that he’ll probably like. If your mans is into health and fitness sh*t, here are a few awesome wellness Valentine’s Day gifts that he will actually love.

Personalized Gym Gear

Your boyfriend lifts weights on the regular. Everyone at the gym knows him by name and waves at him when he walks in the door. Yeah, he’s pretty cool. For those who don’t already know his name, it’s time for them to learn! Get him some personalized gym gear to rock when he works out. There are tons of websites (like Etsy) and sports stores (like Spread Shirt) that offer gym gear that can be personalized with the design or words of your choice. Buy him a backpack or weight-lifting belt (or something else that he’ll love) and embroider his name onto it so people know who it belongs to when it inevitably gets lost in the locker room.

Iron Attitude Belts Men’s Blank Belt

Smart Scale

If your boo is obsessed with the number on the scale and how many gains he’s gotten over the last week, he’d definitely love to get a smart scale for V-Day (if he doesn’t already have one). Certain smart scales like the ones by Withings (shown below), Garmin, and Fitbit offer tons of features that the average scale doesn’t, including the ability to track and compare your progress, body fat, water weight, muscle weight, etc. They can even connect to your smartphone (yay, technology!). You can purchase a smart scale online on Amazon or in store from Best Buy and Kohl’s.

Amazon Withings Smart Digital Scale

Wearable Sleep Tracker

Maybe your man doesn’t sleep well, or he obsesses over the amount of hours he sleeps every night. Sounds like he could benefit from a sleep tracker like the Fitbit Versa. This sleep tracker will monitor just how well he sleeps at night, and for how long. You can buy a sleep tracker from Bed Bath & Beyond, Amazon, Target, or any electronics stores inside your local mall. By using it, maybe he’ll stop snoring and keeping you awake all night, and then complaining to you the next day about how he slept like sh*t.

FitBit Versa Watch

Weekend Getaway Trip

Look, self-care is an important part of wellness. So give your man some much-needed R&R for V-Day with a weekend getaway. This gift is a win-win because not only is your man getting a gift, but so are you! Go for a hike, hit the beach, or relax at a spa for a weekend. Depending on the type of vacation you know he’d enjoy (and your budget), you can find super cheap getaway deals on websites like Groupon Getaways (there’s literally an $88/night deal for a hotel overlooking Niagara Falls) or Cheap Caribbean. There are all types of deals for all types of prices out there somewhere. No matter if you can only spend $100, or if you’re ready to drop a grand, he’ll be sure to ~thank you~ for this one. 

Groupon Embassy Suites By Hilton Niagara Falls

Images: Shutterstock; Iron Attitude; Amazon; Fitbit; Groupon

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=46485

12 Sci-Fi Movie Technologies That Went Stupidly Backwards

The name “science fiction” is a pretty good descriptor of the genre, if you want to think of it as two big buckets for a writer to fill. Bucket 1: science! Fun tech and gizmos to entertain and inspire. Bucket 2: fiction! Narrative and story and other engaging ideas that make us laugh, cry, and consider what it means to be human. It’s amazing that one genre can bring us all that. But have you ever noticed some sci-fi does an incredible job of the “fi” part — and thanks to that brilliant “fi”, we let a lot of weird “sci” whoosh right past us?

On this week’s episode of The Cracked Podcast, Alex Schmidt is joined by Dan Hopper (Cracked) and Moujan Zolfaghari (Mission To Zyxx) for a trip down memory lane, into the future, where everybody WISHES they had tech half as great as WiFi. They’ll examine everything from ‘Minority Report’ to ‘Blade Runner’ to all generations of ‘Star Trek’, finding gizmo after gizmo that’s lower-tech than what we have in real life, and dig into why sci-fi stories where things are supposed to be more advanced than today ignore the actual ways technology advances.

Footnotes:

Mission To Zyxx (Audioboom)

6 Sci-Fi Movie Technologies That Went Stupidly Backwards (Cracked)

6 Technologies Conspicuously Absent from Sci-Fi Movies (Cracked)

5 Awesome Sci-Fi Movie Technologies That’d Suck In Real Life (Cracked)

5 Dystopian Movie Technologies That Would Improve Our World (Cracked)

O.K., Glass: Make Google Eyes (Vanity Fair)

weird dessicated archivist guy at inconvenient reception desk in Blade Runner 2049

Big Data’s Dark Side: A Massive, Polluting Drain on the Nation’s Power Supply (Slate)

Spike Jonze Imagines The Future Of Artificial Intelligence, Mobile Design, Love, And Pants In “Her” (Fast Company)

Terms and Conditions by R. Sikoryak (Drawn and Quarterly)

11 Historical Facts That Were Way Too Stupid For The Movies (The Cracked Podcast)

Phaser (Memory Alpha)

Thompson submachine gun (Memory Alpha)

See the first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR this spring! Get your tickets now for: Thursday April 11th — Lincoln Hall, Chicago IL and Friday April 12th — Amsterdam Bar and Hall, St. Paul MN.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/podcast/12-sci-fi-movie-technologies-that-went-stupidly-backwards

12 Great Ideas America Should Steal From Other Countries

“No bad ideas in a brainstorm.” That’s a common saying that implies a darker truth: as soon as an idea leaves a brainstorm’s cocoon, and gets put into practice, it can metamorphose into a living, breathing disaster. After all, who knows how your theoretical idea would actually work? How can we put any idea into practice without testing it on millions of people first? And surprise — sudden mental left turn here — what if we already had a way to test all kinds of ideas, see how great they really are, and then easily make your life better by implementing them?

On this week’s episode of The Cracked Podcast, Alex Schmidt is joined by Adam Tod Brown (Unpopular Opinion) and Nick Wiger (Doughboys) for a worldwide brainstorming session. They’ll consider all kinds of real ideas, tested by real countries, that could upgrade life in America if we just had the courage to borrow them. The year’s almost over, so throw on some headphones and find out how copying the best laws from Sweden, Cuba, Taiwan and more places could be our first and best decision of 2019.

Footnotes:

Unpopular Opinion podcast network

Doughboys podcast (HeadGum)

5 Laws From Other Countries (The USA Should Totally Steal) (Cracked)

5 Laws Foreign Countries Got Right (That We Need In America) (Cracked)

Kevin O’Leary drops out of Conservative leadership race, endorses Maxime Bernier (CBC)

What’s a Penny Made Of? (LiveScience)

The Terrifying Reason Why Pennies Still Exist (Cracked Video)

The End of a Once Mighty, Still Deadly Industry: the Canada Letter (New York Times)

99% Invisible: “Separation Anxiety” (about Taiwan trash collection)

The Simpsons Mr. Plow commercial (YouTube)

Mad Men picnic littering (YouTube)

The Trashy Beginnings of “Don’t Mess With Texas” (Smithsonian)

Living Wages, Rarity for U.S. Fast-Food Workers, Served Up in Denmark (New York Times)

Can you make $45,000 per year at McDonald’s in Denmark? — Mostly True (Politifact)

An Historic #MeToo Moment (At McDonald’s) – Good Luck, America (Unpopular Opinion)

McDonald’s with Sarah Silverman (Doughboys)

McDonald’s To Settle Suits On Beef Tallow In French Fries (New York Times)

McDonald’s to add self-order kiosks to 1,000 stores each quarter (CNBC)

Denmark plans to isolate ‘unwanted’ migrants on remote island (CNN)

Why Hitchhiking Is Huge in Cuba: ‘The Transportation System Is Screwed’ (Vice News)

How tiny Estonia stepped out of USSR’s shadow to become an internet titan (The Guardian)

The City That Was Saved by the Internet (Vice Motherboard)

Tennessee kills muni-broadband expansion bill after AT&T opposition (Ars Technica)

Swedish Speed-Camera Pays Drivers to Slow Down (Wired)

Fyre Festival organizer sentenced to 6 years in prison (CNN)

Take a peek at the new-look Spurs camouflage jerseys (WOAI San Antonio)

How the Pentagon Paid for NFL Displays of Patriotism (TruthDig)

How Germany approaches guns (CNN)

Five things to know about guns in Germany (The Local.de)

See the first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR this spring! Get your tickets now for: Thursday April 11th — Lincoln Hall, Chicago IL and Friday April 12th — Amsterdam Bar and Hall, St. Paul MN.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/podcast/12-great-ideas-america-should-steal-from-other-countries

Dating Sucks, So We’re Making Our Own App Betches

Dating sucks. Our scroll fingers are tired. We’re v much over being assaulted on the daily by d*ck pics. We could write books full of sh*tty pick-up lines. I’ve gone on dates with a guy who claimed to be an art collector (he wasn’t); a very terrible graphic designer (why would you use a cow in a logo?); and a guy who told me on date three that he’d been in prison. Where was that on his profile??? Even if you shell out money on a #legit app, you’re paying for a fancy algorithm that thinks it knows you when, newsflash: it doesn’t. Face it: most of us are destined to sit with our phones and swipe forever.

So we’re making our own f*cking dating app. We’re excited, too. It’s completely different than any other dating app out there, because we’re v smart and understand that going out and meeting people is like, hard, and technology should be here to help us. You’re welcome.

We know you’re literally dying to know more and we can’t reveal much yet because our hair and brains are full of secrets, so enter your email and we’ll send you super fetch updates about when this Betches’ operated dating app is rolling out. Let’s make dating fun again.

Here’s what to do. Click here and enter your email or phone number. When you do, you’ll also be entered to win a super amazing prize a la a 5-day Insta-worthy trip to Melia Punta Cana Beach resort for two with airfare. Sidenote: It’s an all-inclusive adults only oasis, so no screaming 5-year-olds ruining your buzz. It also has four swimming pools, YHI spa, health club, seven bars, and seven restaurants. Praise be.

Even if you don’t get to go to the Dominican Republic (sad), you could be one of ten people to win a $250 Sephora gift card, so you can give yourself beach hair and a fake tan even though you won’t be laying on a beach (not as sad).

Does this all sound super awesome? Do you want to soak up the awesomeness? Grool. Sign up, then bully your friends into signing up, too, since that’ll give you an extra entry into the contest.

Images: Shutterstock

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=44793

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation Recap: Do You Have No Bra On? Betches

We left off last week (two weeks ago?) of the neverending season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation with Vin and Ang having horrible sexual tension that annoys everyone around them and Ronnie in a hot tub with yet another trashy girl.

Mike: Ronnie’s doing the same thing he got run over for.

The gang stops spying and goes to sleep as Trashy Barbie and Ronnie retire to his ~*bedroom*~. Except they all share bedrooms soo? Maybe he’s in the smush room.

Ronnie *in shower to himself*: There goes my life. Nothing good can come from this.
Ron: 

The girl is already in his bed. Despite all the MTV promos for this, Ronnie does not join her and instead goes to drink alone outside and text Jen. Trashy Barbie gets in bed with Ang so I guess she gave up. Ang is like, “did he try to hook up with you?” And TB acts totally shocked, like “OMG, NO, he has a girlfriend!” Um. You literally got in his bed. It’s safe to say that is the implication.

Ronnie goes to talk to TB and Ang and looks like absolute sh*t. He didn’t sleep at all because he spent the whole night fighting with Jen. Which is how I assume he spends every night anyway, this is not news. Then he goes, “Apparently, I’m single.”

Oooooh, you know he now has major regrets that he didn’t smush TB. Like is that why he’s in there? He’s trying to recruit her back into his bed? The moment’s passed, Ron.

Ron: Jen is just disrespectful, telling me she can’t wait to find a guy to raise my child the way I can’t.

Angelina acts v shocked but I swear we’ve heard this from Ron like 200 times. Like, yes, dude, she hates you. Ron continues to list more abuse Jen’s spewed at him, and again, all stuff she’s said before. TB leaves and Ronnie begins taking relationship advice from Angelina. It’s the blind leading the blind over here. Ron tells her that’s leaving Jen, which we’ve heard at least 11 times this season. And last season. MTV v compassionately plays a montage of Jen treating Ron like sh*t spliced with footage of Ron with his daughter. V sensitive.

Ang tells Mike and Pauly that Jen was sending Ron screenshots of Sammi Sweetheart with her new bf. This is material for the Petty Olympics. Ang also explains how *this time* Ron is leaving Jen.

Mike & Pauly:

Mike: One minute Ron’s single, then he’s taken. One minute he’s IFF, I’m F*cked Foundation, and then the next he’s on a Ron-page.
Pauly: Tomorrow he’s gonna be like ‘I love her’. The weather today is cloudy with 100% chance of Ronnie’s tears.

Ronnie’s entire personality is now cheating and crying. Meanwhile, Snooki and Mike are arguing about pork roll vs. Taylor ham (???). I’m from California, I have no idea wtf you morons are talking about. Also, I like that the levels of drama this episode are abuse, cheating, and child custody on one side, and over on the other side, we have Hamgate.

Mike: It’s like the status of Ronnie’s relationship. Unsolved.

Vinny is over the roommates’ drama and misses Deena. Snooki decides to kidnap her. TBH, she did nothing but fall down and cry last season, I really didn’t even notice she was gone. Vinny wants to use a trash bag to attack her, Jenni doesn’t want them to assault a pregnant woman. Hard to say who will win.

Vin: These are obviously Angelina’s trash bags because she has an endless supply of them.

Vinny is still bringing up Angelina. Let it go, dude. They decide to put dirty pantyhose over their heads, which is disgusting. The boys write some kind of ransom note. They want millions of dollars and Mike wants deli meat, I guess in exchange for Deena’s safe return? I hope if one of my loved ones ever gets kidnapped, it’s by The Situation. Mike puts together a meat and cheese tray, complete with bread and Cool Ranch Doritos.

Now they all have stupid kidnapper nicknames. Vinny is The Keto Kidnapper, Snooki is The Meatball (which is just her regular nickname, so no one exerted themselves on that one), Mike is The Baguette-Mans (unclear), Ang is Dirty Little Hamster (fitting, as she talks about her swamp ass while this is happening), Jenni is The Boobie-Trapper (Jenni now dresses like a grandma librarian, does she even have breasts anymore?), and Pauly is The Guido Ninja (and he proceeds to kick over a planter, spilling dirt all over the white rug).  I guess Ronnie is excluded.

The Boobie-Trapper: Anyone have eyes on Ron?
The Guido Ninja: He’s crying.

Then we see Ron sobbing in bed with the title: Special Appearance by: Single Ronnie.

Me to MTV: 

Mike: Should we bring Ronnie?
Everyone: No, he’ll ruin it.

They pull up to Deena’s house. Mike opens his Doritos.

Jenni: Leave the salami plate at the front door, ring the doorbell, then have everyone jump the fence at the back and go through the sliding glass door.

Mike steals bits of salami while they try to set the plate down. Ang rings the doorbell. The guidos go through the back door—seriously, why is it just left unlocked? It’s like you guys don’t even listen to Not Another True Crime Podcast. Deena is just sitting on her couch as everyone bursts in. She doesn’t look at all surprised, but to be fair, there was a cameraman sitting with her in the living room to film this happening, so maybe that tipped her off.

Mike is carrying a baguette as a weapon. But like. What’s happening to the meat plate? They bribe Deena to come to the house by giving her the smush room as her own room.

Deena: Did anyone have sex in my bed?
Vin: Well Ronnie almost did, so no.

Then they fill in Deena on the latest Ron scandal. Deena has doubts as to whether she can handle all this BS sober. Same. Vinny comments that Deena and Mike now have the same stomach which is FAT-SHAMING, and is not okay, it’s 2018. They arrive at the house and Deena is like “wow, it’s so nice.” But then she walks inside. The dirt is still all over the white rug.

Deena: It kind of smells garbage-y in here.

Just as I always imagined it did. Deena goes to say hi to Ron who is still crying in his bed. He doesn’t even acknowledge her.

Ron: 

They decide to go to a nice Italian restaurant to celebrate Deena’s return. Ron refuses to go so he can feel sorry for himself. The girls are getting ready and complaining about men, and Jenni announces she’s “going lesbian” (not how that works, again, it’s 2018). OMG, are they finally going to acknowledge Jenni’s divorce, or the fact that she literally has not mentioned Roger at all this whole time? I don’t even think she did last season. Angelina then tells them that her psychic grandmother said she saw Jenni and Roger headed for a divorce. Jenni’s like, “yeah well, I always talk about it.”

I guess just not on camera? Jenni then is like, “haha, I always say that, welcome to marriage.” She has a point, since 50% of marriages go that way, but it seems like she’s trying to play it off like it’s not serious. Which we know that it is. Angelina then claims she is also psychic. K.

Meanwhile, Vinny is ironing his shirt on his bed with a baby iron while Pauly throws his toenail clippings on the shirt. It’s all gross and I have no interest in it. They all go to dinner and Ronnie has not moved. The dinner consists of them complaining about Ron. Next we have to cover Angelina and Vinny’s awkward relationship and then Mike’s eating, since these are the only things going on this season.

Vinny: Oh I’m glad Ron isn’t here because I have this extra chair as a barricade from Angelina.

Right on cue.

Angelina: Hi Vinny.
Ang’s actual face rn: 

Vinny ignores her. Angelina wants to know why Vinny won’t talk to her.

Pauly (to Ang): You should make out with him. Did you get your teeth done? Do you have no bra on?
Pauly: I’m giving Vin a hall pass to sleep with Angelina as long as he washes 100 times with hand sanitizer down there.
Angelina: Well if you want to touch [my breasts], you can, they’re brand-spanking-new. Chris hasn’t even touched them.

Now Vinny is intrigued.

Snooki: WHAT? Chris hasn’t touched your boobs yet? Jionni [bleep]ed mine like a little baby.

F*cking ew. Things I don’t need to hear about. She’s apparently had the new boobs for months. Pauly is v upset by this news. Angelina then tells a way too graphic tale about how the sex with Chris was only good when they first hooked up, and since then, they barely have sex and it’s usually her doing all the work and he has no interest in it. Everyone suggests up Vin for a “good pounding”.

On the cab home, Ang is like, “I’m so honored The King noticed my breasts”, and everyone is like, WTF, The King, Pauly?

Ang: The King of Guidos has noticed my breasteses.
Jenni: The King of your life is your man.
Ang: He’s like The King of the Garbagemen.
The girls: 

Jenni: Angelina should just move on to her fourth engagement because this one is not going to work out.

Dirty Hamster Angelina has been engaged three times and I can’t get a text back, k cool, whatever.

Ang then goes on about how Pauly told her she has nice breasts, and the girls are like um, no, you sad, delusional handwritten book, he said, “Are you wearing a bra?” It’s v scary to see women rewrite history when it’s on film.

In the guys car, the gossip continues.

Vin: Tator Tot just posted something.

Tator Tot is Jen’s Instagram. Sidenote: Why are they allowed to have technology??? They should be stuck together with no one else and no activities like the good old days.

Vin: It says: A man that wants what’s best for you is best for you.

IDK, Jen, at this point I think he just wants to not be run over by cars. They get home and the girls are complaining about how badly they want to go to bed. Like, you guys just went to dinner. You are too old for this show. Then they discover that Ronnie is still in bed and hacking up a lung. As if he couldn’t repulse me more. They go into his room and tell him they brought him food. Ron blows them off.

However, the next day, the guys actually get him out of the house for a haircut. Vin says bye to Angelina, foreshadowing their impending affair. Vin is getting ready to have a tantrum about his hair, as per usual. Mike requests a nose hair waxing, which they just do in front of everyone. Like they literally stick hot wax on a stick, shove it up there, and pull. Ew. Ronnie, in typical breakup fashion, is relying on this haircut to fix his life.

Pauly: He cut all his problems away.
Ron: I need a haircut every day.

I really can’t wait until next week when Ronnie and Jen get back together!

Images: Giphy (7)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=43012

Mercury Is Back On Its BS: Weekend Horoscopes For November 16-18 Betches

The good news is that this is the last time Mercury will retrograde this year. The bad news is that this could really mess up your Thanksgiving travel plans. It’s too early to know if you’ll miss your flight, making you late to your awkwardly early dinner with people you’re forced to make small talk with once a year. But we do know that this weekend, you can expect more SNAFUs when it comes to travel, communication, and technology. So when you aren’t getting your regular number of matches on Hinge this week, let’s just blame Mercury. Here are your weekend horoscopes for November 16-18:

Aries

Venus has concluded her retrograde just in time for Mercury to enter his. Like, literally, WTF? At least they’re not happening at the same time. Venus in retrograde threw a wrench into your love and personal life. This weekend, your goal should be to make amends with anyone close to you that you’re on the outs with. Seriously. You’ll need all the friends, favors, and allies you can get as Mercury retrograde ramps up.

Taurus

As Mercury starts spinning backward this weekend, you can find yourself in a tailspin too. Mercury is a planet of communication, so you’ll probably see more pictures of your ex and his new girlfriend throughout your feed. It’s best for your mental health if you unlike, unfollow, or just totally block that sh*t. If you want to be the bigger person who is above the petty unfollow, use the mute feature on Instagram. Cause seriously, what else was it made for?

Gemini

Here’s the deal, Venus retrograde made your love life kind of awkward. It’s time to refocus on the romance, even if that’s just about getting down with yourself. You’ll have less mental blocks, so you can relax and just enjoy. Bow Chicka Wah Wah. Anyway, this weekend, if you’re in a relationship, plan a date for you and your significant other. Pour some wine, put on your sexiest playlist, and start connecting again. Mercury retrograde is going to hit you hard soon enough, so you might as well go into it with a bang. Pun intended.

Cancer

Mercury enters retrograde in Sagittarius and stays there until December 6. This is not what you want to hear around the holidays, but the best way to survive this retrograde is to maintain healthy routines. Sure, you can eat whatever the f*ck you want on Thanksgiving, but it’s best you get back on your gym and healthy eating grind ASAP. Staying healthy and on track will hopefully stave off the possibility that you’ll get a cold or the flu, which will really knock you on your ass this time around.

Leo

Okay, so we know Mercury in retrograde will have an effect on your travel plans, communication, and technology—hello dropping your phone in the bathtub! But unfortunately, this time it will also put a backspin in your fifth house of drama, image, and romance. Let’s just say, it’s about to go down in your Instagram comments or Twitter replies. You might as well start thinking of some fire clapbacks now, because you can count on some B.S. happening between now and December 6.

Virgo

Even though Mercury is entering its retrograde, it’s fine to splurge on yourself a little bit this weekend. Venus just finished its retrograde, making relationships and friendships difficult. You deserve to reward yourself with a little purchase, spa treatment, or something else up that alley. That is unless you are going to make yourself feel guilty AF for spending the money on yourself when you should be saving for holiday presents or some sh*t. IDK, just do what feels right, especially if that’s purchasing something cashmere and unnecessary.

Libra

As a sensitive sign, Venus retrograde had a strong effect on your self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth. Basically, if anyone said anything to you, it probably made you feel bad about yourself. Now that things are clearing up, it’s time to be a little bit kinder to yourself so you can get back on track. Also, your co-workers won’t have to live in fear that sending you an email asking you to make edits to a project will make you spiral into a fit of tears. Yikes. Everyone can rest a little more easily around you this weekend since your feelings won’t get so bruised.

Scorpio

Your love life has basically been on hold since Venus was in retrograde. So for, like, ever. Now that it’s back in a normal rotation, you can start thinking about picking things back up. Whether you’re firing up a dating app, texting your back-burner bro, or just wearing less and goin’ out more, take things slow. Slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’re looking for someone who will last until the end of cuffing season and then some.

Sagittarius

Woah, betch. With Mercury in retrograde this time around, it’s a requirement that you stay on your best behavior. Even the whitest of lies could come back to haunt your ass. It’s probably good if you just avoid anyone or anything you would have to lie to or about. I mean, that’s probably going to be hard since you’re already coming up with a lie to tell your aunt at Thanksgiving about what you’re doing with your life.

Capricorn

Resolve to be clear with your communication from now until Mercury is out of retrograde on December 6. This means that even though it’s tempting to beat around the bush and be coy with your texting convos, just say no. There’s too much room for miscommunication right now. Next thing you know, your bestie won’t be talking to you because she thinks you called her fat, your crush thinks you’ve moved on, and your mom is writing you out of the will. Maybe just avoid texting as much as possible. Yes, you might have to pick up the phone and talk this weekend. EW.

A

Aquarius

You’ve been doing some soul-searching when it comes to your major goals in life. Venus retrograde probably had a hand in that. Now that Venus has straightened her sh*t out, you can refocus on what you want to accomplish during the next year. Don’t let the fact that Mercury is in retrograde freak you out. You don’t need to—and probably shouldn’t—act on anything you come up with over the weekend. Just think about it a little, preferably between drinks.

Pisces

Great news for you when it comes to networking this weekend! If you get a chance to rub shoulders with people who actually matter, you’ll be blessed with decent communication skills and salesmanship abilities thanks to the fact that Venus is out of retrograde. Make your intentions clear, though. Mercury retrograde starting this weekend and continuing until December 6 could have others misinterpreting what you want. Handshakes instead of hugs should set the record straight in a deal-making environment. Or so you hope, right?

Images: Joshua Rawson-Harris/Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=41969

Living Coral, Pantone’s Color Of The Year, Is Ridiculous Betches

So, if you haven’t already heard, Pantone’s Color of the Year for 2019 is Living Coral. Not even lively or like, cheerful. Just Living. Coral. Like, living as in the Coral Reef? I don’t understand. Is Pantone trying to effect climate change by getting people to buy coral and then guilt them into thinking about coral in its natural state? And, more importantly, how does “Living Coral” differ from the same regular-ass coral we’ve been seeing on every bridesmaid dress and manicure since 2013? Pantone describes this particular shade of coral as, “an animating and life-affirming coral hue with a golden undertone that energizes and enlivens with a softer edge,” and it’s like, okay, you are ascribing WAY too much humanity to an inanimate concept. As an English major, I can respect the personification, in the sense that I can respect this is way too extra of a way to describe a SHADE OF ORANGE. Like, I’m imagining fashion influencers examining a skirt and being like, “yes, it’s coral, but is it really a life-affirming coral? Is the undertone energizing me rn?? I’m just not sure.”

Part of the company’s explanation says, “In reaction to the onslaught of digital technology and social media increasingly embedding into daily life, we are seeking authentic and immersive experiences that enable connection and intimacy. Sociable and spirited, the engaging nature of PANTONE 16-1546 Living Coral welcomes and encourages lighthearted activity.” And to that I say:

Ohh, I’ve got it. “Living Coral” is a strain of weed, and the good folks over at Pantone were smoking a lot of it before making this announcement.

It wasn’t until last year that I had even heard of this “Color of the Year” thing, and apparently, this has been around since 2000. Does anyone here actually give a rat’s ass about Pantone’s color of the year? For those of you who don’t know WTF I’m referring to, Pantone is a printing company that is known for their color matching system. This system essentially produces thousands of “special” colors that go beyond the four basic colors your home printer has. For the past 18 years, the Pantone Color Institute, a “secret” meeting of representatives from “different color standards groups” in a European capital, have chosen a “Color of the Year”. Yes, this is just as ridiculous as it sounds, and I genuinely wish my biggest stress revolved around picking the right shade of teal somewhere in Paris.

Since then, we have been blessed with 19 different Colors of the Year that serve as great (and easy) marketing for dozens of beauty, home decor, floral, and fashion companies. Personally, the whole concept sounds a little bit dramatic after noticing that THEY ALL LOOK THE F*CKING SAME. I’m legit baffled. Here I am, trying to give a flying f*ck about Ultra Violet or Living Coral, and little did I know, they’re basically different shades of the same washed-up color. Betrayed, yet again.

Look at this nonsense. There have been six shades of blue, four shades of some orangey-red with two of them literally looking the same (@Tigerlily and @Tangerine Tango), five shades of purple, and two shades of green. Out of all this bullsh*t, poor yellow has been chosen once and that was TEN YEARS AGO. IDK guys, I just feel like this stuff is a load of ridiculousness. What’s the point of having a different Color of the Year when they all basically look the same??? And I’ve got to ask, what’s the process behind this? Because I’m imagining a bunch of old guys in a room spinning a wheel of adjectives and then a second color wheel that only consists of orange, green, and blue.

So don’t go throwing out all the coral clothes you’ve had in your closet for years, and while you’re at it, hang on to all your millennial pink stuff too—who knows, at this rate, it might be Pantone’s Color of the Year in 2021.

Photo: Tamara Bellis / Unsplash; Giphy (2); Wikipedia

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=43952

13 Badass Astronaut & Cosmonaut Stories Everyone Should Hear

Space: it’s the final frontier AND somehow the least popular frontier. A couple decades of successful shuttle launches passed unnoticed. A slew of orbital science experiments didn’t excite anybody. Even the Space Race wasn’t the nation-gripping drama we decided it was retroactively. Why isn’t space travel capturing more imaginations? Why aren’t people more stoked about it? And would it help if we did a rad podcast episode about the most kickass exploits in all of space history?

On this week’s episode of The Cracked Podcast, Alex Schmidt is joined by ‘American Dad’ writer, Cracked legend, and prince of all our hearts Soren Bowie for a celebration of outer space heroics. They’ll dig into the death-defying (and sometimes, death-receiving) bravery that’s driven decades of space exploration, even though only a few of those bold explorers became famous in the aftermath. Plus, enjoy a special bonus story of how the very best of us went out into the universe in the form of a space probe.

Footnotes:

American Dad on TBS

Why 2013 Gave Us Reason to Care About Space Again (Cracked)

Dispatches From Goddamn Space (Cracked Video)

Kennedy, Before Choosing the Moon: ‘I’m Not That Interested in Space’ (The Atlantic)

Pence vows America will return to the moon. The history of such promises suggests otherwise. (The Washington Post)

5 Astronauts More Badass Than Any Action Movie Hero (Cracked)

5 Famous Space Missions That Almost Ended In Disaster (Cracked)

Meet the real ironman of spaceflight: Valery Polyakov (Ars Technica)

March 22, 1995: Longest Human Space Adventure Ends (Wired)

Farewell Neil Armstrong, the Ultimate Test Pilot (Wired)

5 Soviet Space Programs That Prove Russia Was Insane (Cracked)

5 Groundbreaking Firsts That Your History Books Lied About (Cracked)

The First Woman in Space: Valentina Tereshkova (Mental Floss)

STS-49 Mission Page (NASA)

TP-82 Cosmonaut survival pistol (Wikipedia)

Boldly, Where No Dog Had Gone Before (The New York Times) — piece about the Museum Of Jurassic Technology’s tribute to Soviet space dogs

Special announcement: see the first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR this spring! Get your tickets now for: Thursday April 11th — Lincoln Hall, Chicago IL and Friday April 12th — Amsterdam Bar and Hall, St. Paul MN.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/podcast/13-badass-astronaut-cosmonaut-stories-everyone-should-hear

Should You Splurge Or Save? Your Black Friday 2018 Horoscopes Betches

To splurge, or to save? That is the question. Although, at this point, your safest bet is to grab, swipe, and GTFO. In fact, if I were you, I would avoid the mall at all costs—for so many reasons, one of them being the full moon. Yep, and that’s not even the worst part. Despite the utter madness of all things Black Friday, the full moon in Gemini is hands down everything we don’t need, especially on one of the busiest days of the year. There’s more. Mercury is hella retrograde, and the messenger planet rules Gemini, and all things related to technology, and commerce. Black Friday gone wrong? TBH, I don’t know what’s worse. People going batsh*t bonkers all the mall, or everything glitching and crashing. OK, Black Friday is cancelled. OK, maybe not, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Nevertheless, these are your Black Friday 2018 horoscopes.

Aries

I highly suggest you take your Black Friday lust out on your laptop. Besides, your Thanksgiving food coma will be in full effect, and there’s no better feeling than shopping in pajamas. Chill out, Aries. I know you secretly get off on running missions, but make sure you tread lightly. On another note, the full moon will light up your sh*t-talking third house, and well, gossiping is inevitable. Careful you don’t pull a Gretchen Weiners.

Taurus

Settle down, betch. I would seriously stop binge-watching Pretty Woman if I were you. The reality is, swiping your credit card with reckless abandon isn’t going to get you that commission, sweetheart. In fact, with the full moon lighting up your money-hungry second house, you might have a few things to sort out with your bills bills bills. In other words, no blackouts on Black Friday, Taurus. Lord knows you don’t need another pair of shoes.

Gemini

OK, I’m not even trying to be a negative Nancy here, but your ruling planet is hella retrograde, and it just so happens to rule all things related to technology, and commerce. There’s also a full moon in your sign. Need I say more? Vaya con dios, Betch. Black Friday will be action-packed, and just so you know, those are Mercury-infested waters. Also, don’t even think about texting your sugar daddy. You might text someone else unintentionally.

Cancer

I know you’re desperately seeking some closure, but strolling through the mall with a cell phone up to your ear will never be worth it. In fact, why don’t you go ahead and finish your never-ending pow-wow in the car, and call it a day? Save yourself from the full moon mall madness, Cancer. You need a long nap.

Leo

You’re the only person who has the patience to get a group of girls together, let alone buy matching T-shirts for the Black Friday adventure gone wrong. What part of “Mercury is retrograde and there’s a full moon” do you not get? Interestingly enough, the full moon lights up your schmoozing zone, which could spark some useless drama amongst you and your pink ladies… I mean girls. Stop torturing yourself, Leo.

Virgo

Overtime on Black Friday? You would, Virgo. Although, I’m not going to lie, I respect your hustle. In fact, I doubt I’m the only one, considering the full moon will illuminate your tenth house of boss betch, and all eyes will be on you. Take it easy though, your ruling is at it again, and you know about the Mercury retrograde diaries first hand. Don’t stress the little things.

Libra

Hate to break it to you, but tailgating outside of Target will never be a Black Friday to remember. On the contrary—you will never be the same. Although, you seem pretty set on your ways this year, and with that full moon lighting up your spontaneous ninth house of popping squats and campfire stories, looks like you’ll be making it an adventure.

Scorpio

Focus on your Christmas shopping, Scorpio. Don’t be a selfish betch. Although, who am I kidding? You almost won stingiest of the zodiac, but Taurus beat you to it. However, you might wanna speak your truth, considering you’re in need of some much-needed validation. In other words, stop avoiding that toxic person’s phone call.

Sagittarius

It’s your birthday season, betch. Do yourself a favor, and tell your loved ones to save themselves the trouble of buying you a gift, and hook it up with some extra cash. Aren’t you saving up for a summer in Bali? Also, from the looks of it, you won’t be going solo. You can thank almighty Jupiter for these lucky stars.

Capricorn

You and Virgo should seriously get together and go bowling. How in the world do you make these tedious missions look so effortless? Granted, I know your to-do list is larger than life, but make sure you splurge on yourself at least once this year. For the love of the cosmos, please don’t make Black Friday a job, too.

Aquarius

You’re in the best mood these days, and TBH it scares the hell out of me. Why? Well, you are one detached betch. In fact, the full moon lights up your fifth house of romance, creativity, and all things center-of-attention. In other words, not sure you’ll be making it to Black Friday, unless you’re in the mood to do the “shop of shame.”

Pisces

Black Friday who? Your post-Thanksgiving food coma is looking rough, and well, there’s always Cyber Monday. Make sure you stay hydrated, too. The turkey stuffing isn’t going to soak up your drunken stupor. Better luck next time.

Images: Annie Spratt / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Editor’s Picks

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